things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
