please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
