apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
