Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
