Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
try to milk me bitch
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize