They should really pass out barf bags in church
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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