i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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