I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
