Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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