Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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