Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize