The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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