dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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