not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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