You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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