I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I understand Curling. That high.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
