My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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