I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I came so hard my ears popped.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
