she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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