My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
