Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize