apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
