Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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