my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
