My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
