Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
