i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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