no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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