I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
