New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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