Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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