Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize