My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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