Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
