I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
