the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
