she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
