is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
