She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
