i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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