Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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