2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
