There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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