I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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