Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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