Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
