I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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