people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
