I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
