but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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