Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He uses pillows to masturbate.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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