I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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