in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
did i walk over a car last night?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
