he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
