there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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