I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
