Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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