when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
